Reckless Thoughts in Progress

Nerdism

I am a nerd. Always have been, always will be. I knew this in high school and was continually reminded throughout my life in higher education and the work place.

I focus on details. Actually, I obsess over them. I live through my fantasies so often they have, quite literally, become an alternative reality.

It has become a place where I can hide and take comfort.

Try as I might, I am not a risk taker, a trend setter. I follow my own path, that is certain…but that is a solitary path with no interested followers.

I have been very fortunate to have been afforded a life of normalcy with episodes of incredible opportunity. I have accomplished a few things that will add my name to the margins of some obscure reports. I have rubbed elbows with notoriety.

But I have mostly toiled in obscurity, following an archaic path that reflects the unique qualities of an esoteric profession.

There was a girl who caught my eye at the university. I pursued, stalked is the term commonly used today. There was conquest, them a relationship, then a mutual history. But first impressions rarely hold true over the long run, conditions change according to events and experiences. What was once the ideal eventually becomes what must be endured.

This is generally acceptable. Unless fate steps in. Fate with its malicious intent. With a personality that rivals Loki, must throw his monkey wrench into the fray.

There is a woman.

Filled with creativity as well as anguish. A self torment aggravated by unfortunate events. Still, this soul presents so much hope, so much potential…

This person echoes the nerd in personal history and experience. There is an uncanny parallel in thought and consideration. An unspoken agreement of sentiment. So much commonality that it causes the psyche to overflow with emotion. The long separation marked by surreptitious peeking only heightens the pain. An unpleasant sensation only tempered by the memory of shared pleasures.

Unfortunately, the nerd in me cannot let go. The nerd cannot forget since that is a consistent failing….an obsessive mentality that will not subside. The nerd has experienced Beauty. A Beauty that is beyond physical measure. It is a comprehensive accumulation of appearance, acumen and ability.

The nerd has little alternative. It has tasted exquisite excellence with little chance of a repeat performance. This means the nerd will resort to the shallow actions that afford at least a little comfort. Small acts of kindness. Small gifts that represent more than the nerd can actually provide. Moments of nurture. All in the hopes of a glance or at best, a touch. A touch that will warm the soul of the nerd more than can be realistically understood.

The pain will remain. But pain is so common as to be no more than a trifle to the nerd. Disappointment, unrequited emotion…. all part of the make up of the nerd. Since junior high through adulthood the facts are inescapable. The nerd is nondeserving of the Hollywood ending. I only wish the object of desire is aware and a bit considerate. I only wish things could be different. I only wish I could be different.